


RE: In-depth Research

by Kingdom_of_Roses



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Gen, Humor, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Memo format, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Tony Being Tony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-01-25
Packaged: 2018-05-16 06:56:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 1,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5818540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kingdom_of_Roses/pseuds/Kingdom_of_Roses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony has a plan for making Steve eat his words. It starts with Tony being as annoying as possible while technically fulfilling Steve's request.<br/>.<br/>.<br/>.<br/>That's it, that's Tony's plan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. SUBJECT: Breakfast of Champions

**Author's Note:**

> I got the idea from this dialog [log ripping scene]:  
> Steve: Sometimes my teammates don't tell me things[...]  
> Steve: I don't know what she showed you. I just know it made you do something stupid.  
> Tony: Banner and I were doing research!  
> Steve: That would affect the team!
> 
> And I just couldn't imagine Stark not passive aggressively keeping Steve in the loop with every. last. little. thing he does for SI, SHIELD, Avengers, and himself. Since I don't know enough about circuit design or AI development to do it justice I'm doing health, rec, and daily activities with a bit of science thrown in.

<Change SRogers Phone1 Alert to: [Hey Yeah](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZ5LpwO-An4).mp3; Silent = OFF; Volume = MAX; Stop = EOF;>

TO: Steven Grant Rogers, Captain America  
FROM: Anthony Edward Stark, Iron Man, Stark Industries Vice President of Research & Development, Genius Extraordinaire  
DATE: June 2, 2015 05:03:37 AM PST  
SUBJECT: Research Update, Per Your Request

I can never remember if the East Coast is 3 hours ahead or behind… Eh, either way you wanted me to keep you up-to-date on everything I’m working on. 

This morning I’m experimenting with the applications of this soft dairy protein paste that Pepper picked up from the delicatessen 3.5 miles (5.63km) away from my lodgings. My first taste test is applying it to a circular cereal carbohydrate that is flavored with blueberries and cinnamon. I am using a butter knife to spread the paste in a counterclockwise fashion on one half (cut through the horizontal axis) of the carbohydrate. The paste is measuring in at a quarter inch thick. The second half of the carbohydrate is then placed on top of the first half, cut surfaces facing each other.

I am also continuing my extensive research into how protein shakes interact with my system. This test I am using the variables beetroot, raspberry, and cranberry juice. Fun fact: this is a full three servings of fruit and a veg.

 

See Attachment: Annotative_Bibliography_for_Carbohydrate_Consumption.txt size: 5 MB 

Postscript: Hill mentioned that you needed things explained to you in layman’s terms. We both know you were yanking her chain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blueberry bagel with cream cheese & a beet-raspberry smoothie


	2. SUBJECT: Fast & Furious

<Change SRogers Phone1 Alert to: [The Gummy Bear Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=astISOttCQ0).mp3; Silent = OFF; Volume = MAX; Stop = EOF;>

TO: Steven Grant Rogers, Captain America, Lilly Rush Impersonator  
FROM: Anthony Edward Stark, Iron Man, Stark Industries Vice President of Research & Development, Fantastic Mechanic  
DATE: June 2, 2015 08:45:57 AM PST  
SUBJECT: Research Update, Per Your Request

To quote the Tenth Doctor: Physics. Physics, Eh? Physicsss. Phyyyyyyysics. _Physics. Physics. Physics. Physics. Physics. Physics._ **PHYSICS.**

This hour’s research is into how Extremis handles low level velocity and acceleration. Why am I not doing this in the suit you ask? I know my system can take Mach 2.3 (1764.72 mph) but stress testing with my Tesla Roadster at 100 mph is just as important (and fun). 

I have “Important Business” in LA, so I don’t get to stay at 100 mph the _entire_ trip, but the coast makes up for it with the scenery. I realized yesterday that I had yet to get Pepper an ‘I’m sorry about the fuck up’ gift. They’re an annual thing. This one’ll come in installments! I’m thinking a nice sweater and a pair of asskicking heals to start.

I did spot this awesome blanket and thought of Natasha. Don’t think I’ve done anything to upset the Widow, but you can never have too many brownie points.

Convincing Pepper that the acquisition of that building, and the subsequent demolition, was a necessity is the other way I’ve been stress testing Extremis.

 

See Attachment: Physics_For_Scientists_And_Engineers_A_Strategic_Approach_ED3.zip size: 186MB 

Postscript: No complaining about my driving Mister ‘I don’t need a helmet when I drive my motorcycle in New York despite every single person in this city being an aggressive driver’. I at least have a rollcage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Burberry Bead Detail Cashmere Sweater:  
> 
> 
> Burberry Slim Strap Metallic Leather Sandal:  
> 
> 
> Burberry Cashmere Blanket:  
> 


	3. SUBJECT: Greenwashing is for Posers

<Change SRogers Phone1 Alert to: [Badger Badger](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NL6CDFn2i3I).mp3; Silent = OFF; Volume = MAX; Stop = EOF;>

TO: Steven Grant Rogers, Captain America, Raptor Expert  
FROM: Anthony Edward Stark, Iron Man, Stark Industries Vice President of Research & Development, Green Energy Mover & Shaker  
DATE: June 2, 2015 12:27:19 PM PST  
SUBJECT: Research Update, Per Your Request

Greenwashing is a serious problem Steve. People and companies see how well SI’s doing and go “How can I make that much money while putting in absolutely no effort?” So sometimes I stretch the truth about which direction our research is going to see them scramble and panic. I’ve done studies Steve, so many studies, on this wonderful phenomenon. Rick from legal gets a bit pinched when my board of directors actually _likes_ one of the red herrings I throw out, but it’s a small price to pay for more data on assholes who rip people off.

I have a whole team dedicated to finding better ways to recycle obsolete StarkPhones and these idiots don’t even have the decency to thoroughly research their own claims of how good their product is for the environment!

Sorry, sorry, you wanted to be kept in the loop about my research, not how lazy my supposed competition is. Suffice to say, we’re in talks with the Togo government to see if they’d be interested in distributing the older phones that we collect when we offer a discount on the new one if you bring in the old one. Marketing and Public Relations are salivating about it. 

 

See Attachment: [TEDTalks_Stark_Green_Energy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ).wmv size: 15MB


	4. SUBJECT: Liquid Lunch

<Change SRogers Phone1 Alert to: [Narwhals](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykwqXuMPsoc).mp3; Silent = OFF; Volume = MAX; Stop = EOF>

TO: Steven Grant Rogers, Captain America, Pomade Stockholder  
FROM: Anthony Edward Stark, Iron Man, Stark Industries Vice President of Research & Development, Vogue’s September Fashion Cover  
DATE: June 2, 2015 02:50:04 PM PST  
SUBJECT: Research Update, Per Your Request

Steve, you may not know this about me, but I like fire. And science! And you know what you get when you combine those two? That’s right, you get flammability testing!

80 Proof Vodka has a flash point at 26°C, 100 Proof Whiskey has a flash point of 24°C, and Absinthe comes in at 140 Proof with a flash point of 21°C.

Since these are all ethanol alcohols, they burn at the same color: a very deep blue flame. To make things interesting I’ve added different salts. Stop frowning at me, of course I’m observing lab safety rules! I like fire, but I like my eyebrows more. 

So I’ve put a tablespoon of each salt in it’s own petri dish and soaked them in 10 mL of the Absinthe. DUM-E has helpfully threatened me with the fire extinguisher during this next part, which is, of course, lighting them on fire!

The Boron has a nice deep green color, Strontium a crimson red, good for holiday decorations, the Copper is almost a highlighter green, and Potassium, gotta love bananas, is a pretty lilac color.

Oh, and for lunch I continued testing with the dairy protein paste that Pepper bought, this time on a slice of dark rye cereal carbohydrate with three slices of beef pastrami and another slice of dark rye on top. The variables changed in my lunch shake where strawberries, kiwis, and carrots.

 

See Attachment: [High_School_Science_is_the_Best](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nS77SPywI9w).mp4 size: 20 MB

Postscript: You thought I was going to talk about drinking my way through lunch, didn’t you? Shame on you Cap, _Shame._ I’m a **functioning** alcoholic.


	5. SUBJECT: Sweet Dreams

<Change SRogers Phone1 Alert to: [Run Away - Sax Guy Ed](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apav8vgfxMQ).mp3; Silent = OFF; Volume = MAX; Stop = EOF;>

TO: Steven Grant Rogers, Captain America, Ed Busch Precursor (not the baseball player Steve, use your scroll bar)   
FROM: Anthony Edward Stark, Iron Man, Stark Industries Vice President of Research & Development, Orbital ATK Inc. Liaison   
DATE: June 2, 2015 09:15:31 PM PST  
SUBJECT: Research Update, Per Your Request

This report comes to you after the fact because while I may be a genius, I have yet to figure out how to take notes while in REM. I have this idea for using Extremis and training myself to lucid dream, but it’s a work in progress.

Anyways, my pre-Extremis suit protocols showed a few areas I need to keep track of, like calling the armor when I’m having the fun dreams (Say ‘Hi’ to Wanda for me, would you Cap?). Then there’s the tricky area of waking up for an emergency call. Can’t have the reflex protocol based on adrenalin levels and brain activity: the situations are too similar. JARVIS and I had an ongoing project keeping this functioning efficiently, so I’m reading FRIDAY in on it as I go. 

Having your own sleep lab is a blast, means you get to custom build the bed so it’s actually comfortable. Having it run by your own AI means no creepy lab coats watching you twitch and drool, always a bonus. And hey! Legitimate reason to take an after lunch snooze.

This setup involved me monitoring my brain activity during an interrupted sleep cycle. I set an alarm to go off at a random time after I had been asleep for at least 1.5 hours. It’s going to take me at least 5 more rounds with the EECG before I have enough data points to putting together test code. 

 

See Attachment: Compendium_of_Studies_on_Interphasic_Sleeping.txt size: 25 MB

Postscript: Eight up, four down has been the best way to work around my chronic insomnia. Plus have you tried to code for nine straight hours? Genius brains still need down time to work properly.


	6. SUBJECT: Burning the Midnight Oil

<Change SRogers Phone1 Alert to: [Crazy Frog](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k85mRPqvMbE).mp3; Silent = OFF; Volume = MAX; Stop = EOF;>

TO: Steven Grant Rogers, Captain America, Destroyer of Motorcycles   
FROM: Anthony Edward Stark, Iron Man, Stark Industries Vice President of Research & Development, Tech Mogul  
DATE: June 3, 2015 12:34:56 AM PST  
SUBJECT: Research Update, Per Your Request

Pepper has a wonderful wardrobe, doesn’t she? And boy does she get upset when the interns spill coffee on her right before a board meeting (Peter will never be the same). Which gave me the perfect opportunity to test out my new dry cleaning process! 

Over the years I have tinkered with different ways to improve dry cleaning. Not sure if you pay attention to the hospitality industry, but I invented the Stark Dry Cleaning Solvent a few years ago after I saw what the CIRC was saying about Perc. Carcinogens are so 1980s. Besides, it was kind of hilarious watching my dates try to figure out how Pepper got their clothes clean when the nearest dry cleaners was 30 minutes away in the city and they hadn't woken up during the collection process.

But I digress, today’s test is on whether I have built a machine that has a reduced energy usage and an increase in solvent retention. The current industry standard is 8L of solvent per kg of garments per minute. The Stark brand available on market uses three quarters solvent and a quarter less energy to get the same results as Firbimatic dry cleaning machine (Stark Industries - Hospitality Division competitor). This test shows that the one in my basement consistently uses a third less energy and half the solvent of Firbimatic’s top machine. 

 

See Attachment: Collection_of_Tetrachloroethylene_Studies_On_Health.pdf size: 45 MB

Postscript: If you were wondering, yes, this is how I got your uniform so clean and blood free every time.


	7. TGIF

      **JALERT_136:** (TSTARK contacts ANYONE at Time in range [02:00:00AM, 05:00:00AM]);

     >ACTION: Hold message, review TSTARK current project dependence on response

     >RESOLVE: Project SI_R&D_IndiH2OFilltration does not involve SROGERS, Hold for PPOTTS review

      **JALERT_250:** (TSTARK contacts (!=R &D || !=BBANNER) >= 5) && (Time_Message1+Time_Message5<=24);

     >ACTION: Contact PPOTTS

     >WARNING: Non-Emergency alerts deferred until 06:00:00 AM PPOTTS local time

      **JALERT_ 308:** (TSTARK override AVENGER_Phone settings);

     >ACTION: Contact NFURY… NFURY not found… contact MHILL 

    >UPDATE: TSTARK not in AVENGER command structure

     >RESOLVE: Contact JRHODES

      **JALERT_471:** (TSTARK contacts (AVENGER != BBANNER)  >=3) && (Time_Message1+Time_Message3<=24);

     >ACTION: Contact JRHODES

 

TO: Pepper Potts, James Rhodes

FROM: FRIDAY

DATE: June 3, 2015 06:00:00 AM PST

SUBJECT: Boss’ High Frequency Communication

 

Boss has tripped 4 of JARVIS’ alerts while communicating with Steve Rogers. Alerts indicate intervention necessary. I’ve attached Boss’ side of the conversation. Steve Rogers has not responded. I do not have any record of the instigating conversation referenced in Message 1. Message 7 included, but never sent: Boss tried to send it during what JARVIS labeled “Unwise Idea Timezone”.

 

Attachment: M1, M2, M3, M4, M5, M6, M7

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, I tried to land on the humor side of the angry-humor divide, hopefully I succeeded and this was a fun read. 
> 
> If you want to come rant with me on [tumblr](http://kingdomofrosesqueenidun.tumblr.com/) about how many ways AoU was a hot mess feel free (That camera work was seriously awful).


End file.
